G'wain

England's finest medieval romance. (Slightly abridged.)

Prologue

Britain's been around for centuries. War, peace, strange events, and big angry men: none bigger or angrier than Arthur and his court. And the strangest event of them all happened to them, at Camelot one Christmas.

Act One Scene One

(Camelot. The knights are seated around a table.)
Arthur I love Christmas.
(Servants bring in food.)
Arthur I'm not eating until I hear a story, or I see something strange.
(The Green Knight appears.)
Knights He's all green!
Green Knight Where's the king?
Arthur Here. Are you looking for a fight?
Green Knight No, I want to play a game. I'll let one of you hit me with this axe if I can do the same to you in a year.
(Pause.)
You can keep the axe.
(Silence.)
Green Knight Some court you are.
Arthur I'll do it.
Gawain No you won't.
Knights Gasp.
Gawain I'm not much good. No-one'll miss me.
(The knights whisper among themselves.)
Knights All right.
(The Green Knight throws Gawain his axe. Gawain cuts off his head. The Green Knight walks across and picks up his head.)
Knights Gasp.
Green Knight See you next year.
(Exit Green Knight.)
Arthur Extraordinary.

Act Two Scene One

(Camelot. Lights change.)
Gawain It's November already. Doesn't time fly. I'd better be off.
Knights We'll miss you.

Act Two Scene Two

(The wilderness.)
Gawain This place is full of monsters.
(He slays a monster.)
Gawain And it's really cold.
(He slays another monster.)
Gawain If only there were a place I could stay.
(A castle appears.)
Gawain Oh.
(He approaches the castle.)
Gawain Can I come in?
Porter Yes.
(The gates open. People come out and dress him in rich clothes.)
Gawain This is nice.
Bertilak This is my castle.
Gawain Thanks very much.
Bertilak This is my wife.
Lady Hello.
Gawain Hello.
First Guest That's Gawain, you know.
Second Guest It never is.
Bertilak You're Gawain, aren't you?
Gawain Yes.
Guests Ooo.
Bertilak You must be tired. Why don't you have a lie-in tomorrow? My wife will keep you company. Tell you what: I'll give you everything I get while hunting if you give me what you get in bed.
Gawain Are you sure?

Act Three Scene One

(The forest.)
Bertilak Let's go and kill some deer.
(Hunting horns sound.)
Huntsman We've killed hundreds of deer and put them in a pile.
Bertilak I haven't had so much fun in ages.

Act Three Scene Two

(The bedroom. Gawain is in bed. The Lady enters.)
Gawain Ooer.
(He pretends to be asleep. The Lady sits on his bedside. Gawain 'wakes up'.)
Gawain Oh. Didn't see you there.
Lady You may do with me as you please.
Gawain No thanks.

Act Three Scene Three

(The forest.)
Bertilak Let's cut them into little bits.

Act Three Scene Four

(The bedroom.)
Lady Go on.

Act Three Scene Five

(The forest. Bertilak is covered with blood.)
Bertilak Well done.

Act Three Scene Six

(The bedroom.)
Gawain No, really.
Lady At least give me a kiss, or I'll think you very rude.
Gawain All right.
(They kiss.)

Act Three Scene Seven

(The hall.)
Bertilak I got you a pile of dead deer cut into little bits. What do I get?
(Gawain kisses him.)
Bertilak That's a good deal.

Act Three Scene Eight

(The forest.)
Bertilak What is it today?
Huntsman Boar.
(Hunting horns sound.)
Huntsman That boar's fierce! I'm scared.
Bertilak (off) Don't worry, I've got him.

Act Three Scene Nine

(The bedroom.)
Lady You must be a great romancer.
Gawain I'm not much good.
Lady You can't be Gawain. He would've kissed me by now.
Gawain If you insist.
(They kiss.)
Lady Time to go.
(She gets up.)
Lady You've forgotten something.
Gawain Blimey.
(They kiss again.)

Act Three Scene Ten

(The forest.)
Bertilak And today?
Huntsman Fox.
(Hunting horns sound. They run back and forth.)
Huntsman Come here, you bastard.
Bertilak (off) Don't worry, I've got him.

Act Three Scene Eleven

(The bedroom.)
Lady Go on.
Gawain No! I'd be getting angry if I weren't so courtly.
Lady You don't have a girlfriend, do you?
Gawain No.
Lady You should love the woman you're in bed with.
Gawain I'll be your servant.
Lady That's not very good. Never mind. Can I have a glove to remember you by?
Gawain I couldn't: it's too cheap.
Lady Can I give you my ring?
Gawain I couldn't: it's too expensive.
Lady You're never happy. I'll give you my girdle.
Gawain I couldn't: it's -
Lady It'll protect you from being killed by an axe.
Gawain All right.
Lady You owe me three kisses.
Gawain Blimey.

Act Three Scene Twelve

(The hall.)
Bertilak I got you a fox-skin. What do I get this time?
(Gawain kisses him three times.)
Gawain I didn't get anything else. At all.
Bertilak You should've been an economist.

Act Four Scene One

(The hall.)
Gawain I have to go and be killed by an axe now.
Bertilak That's a shame.
Guests We'll miss you.

Act Four Scene Two

(The wilderness.)
Guide The green chapel's down there. Take my advice, though. Don't go: he'll kill you.
Gawain Yes, I know.
Guide Fair enough.
(Exit Guide. Gawain walks over to a mound.)
Gawain This can't be it. But this must be it. This place is horrible.
(The ear-splitting noise of a great axe being sharpened. It ceases.)
Gawain Is that you, Green Knight? I'm ready! Come out and -
Green Knight Wait.
(More sharpening. Then the Green Knight enters, brandishing a new axe.)
Green Knight Bend over.
(Gawain kneels down. The Green Knight feints a swing; Gawain flinches.)
Green Knight You can't be Gawain. He wouldn't be scared of being killed by an axe.
Gawain I'm sorry.
(The Green Knight feints a swing. Gawain doesn't flinch.)
Green Knight Now I'm sure you're Gawain.
Gawain For God's sake hurry up and kill me with an axe already.
(The Green Knight swings, just nicking him on the neck.)
Gawain Ow.
(Gawain leaps to his feet and waves his sword.)
Gawain Back off. You can't hit me now. Deal's over. Get back.
Green Knight Ha ha ha. You see, the first swing was for the first day, when you were good. The second was for the second day, when you were good. The third was for the third day, when you were good, except for taking the girdle, which belongs to me, because I'm actually Bertilak de Hautdesert, and that was my wife, and the old woman with her is Morgan le Fey, who is also your aunt, who sent me to Camelot to test its pride and hopefully make Guinevere die of shock.
Gawain Damn it. I've been greedy and cowardly, and it's all your wife's fault. Cursed be women generally.
Green Knight But you've paid your price.
Gawain I'm not listening. I'll keep this girdle so I'll never forget how despicable I am.
Green Knight Visit us next Christmas?
Gawain No thanks.

Act Four Scene Three

(The wilderness. A monster tries to attack Gawain.)
Gawain Piss off.

Act Four Scene Four

(Camelot.)
Gawain I'm back.
Knights We missed you.
Gawain But I'm despicable. Look.
Arthur No you're not. In honour of you, from now on, we'll all wear girdles.
(Production number: 'We'll All Wear Girdles'. Curtain. Curtain-call. Etc. Fin.)